I Am Alone But Adored

I was the first to have spoken
And I said just about
All of the things you shouldn’t say
So maybe you’ll call me, maybe you won’t

It has been just less than one month since my last post, and I have lots of thoughts and ramblings saved up for you this time. I excuse in advance if this will all seem very randomly thrown together, but I hope you will appreciate the fact that there is a new post more than what that post actually contains. Yes.

As those of you who have read SisMid for a while knows, I am a fan of (at times really terrible) metaphors. Because I am such a fan of metaphors, I have found a fitting (at least that is what I’ve been thinking in my head) metaphor that will hopefully describe how my life has been and how it has changed during the past month(s).

Quite a while ago, I stood before a great stream, or maybe even a river, trying to see beyond to the other side of it, but not sure if I dared to cross the river to get there. I took a few hesitating steps into it, but it was cold, and the currents were quite strong. However, I became more and more determined to cross the river, thinking that the grass might be greener on the other side – but still not daring. Suddenly I was pushed all the way into it, and it was deeper than I had thought, far deeper than I had ever imagined, and the currents were threatening to pull me along with them, to drown me. For a long time I struggled towards the banks but I seemed unable to reach the shore no matter how much I struggled, how much I trodded the water, hoping to reach land.

But then, suddenly, I did. I made it across the river, and I pulled myself up, with far less effort than I had imagined. My clothes dried and I rested well and suddenly I looked around me and realised that not only was the grass greener here, it was sunny, the birds were singing, and a warm feeling spread around my body. I turned and looked at the river, and at the shore on the other side of it, seeing that it was gray, dull, and I could not believe that I had spent so much time debating whether or not to cross the river, honestly.

I have now been on the other side for quite a while, and I swear on my rabbit’s life that I haven’t been this happy in… Ages. I can only say that I have never been more happy to have crossed a river, ever. So, all of you who knows a tiny bit of what might be going on in my life can most probably imagine what I’m referring to with that metaphor – all you others can just picture me standing on the other side of the river, victorious and triumphant, hands raised in the air and with a big smile. Probably covered in mud if that suits your imagination.

Now, as to my previous post referring to all this doubt I was having: I have not solved anything, in fact I’ve only grown more confused and more doubtful. Well, this is not quite true – the questions I was looking to answer back then has been answered, sort of, but they’ve only made way for thrice as many even more complicated, confusing and doubt-inducing questions. In conclusion: I am completely at a loss in many ways, but while I fuss over small details hoping it will make a difference I suppose I know the big picture, and the big picture is quite easily seen, and it lets me know that I most definitely shouldn’t fuss over the small details, that I should not fuss over anything relating to that topic at all in fact because the topic is not actually a topic.

Booyah, sphinx-mode for y’all again, I’m sure you’re happy about that!

No, but seriously, don’t worry about this being a problem for me or anything – it might have sounded slightly depressive the way I wrote it now, but to drop the case is no difficult deal, perhaps only slightly regretful. I can only quote The Thrills and say “regrets, regrets, regrets”. Basically. But then all clubs are included in one big mix when you think that it would probably not have made a difference anyway, and that even though things could have had a different outcome it’s not something to worry oneself too much about because what is meant to happen, happens. Right? I think I’m confusing even myself now, I’m sorry. I’ll move on.

The final topic I want to write about is the fact that time fucking flies. I mean, it’s December already, and not only is it December, but it’s December 18. This means that I can count the days until Christmas eve on one hand, which would, a couple of years ago, have reduced me to a squealing ball of excitement, but which is now only enough to make me raise my eyebrows in bafflement and think ‘well, fuck.’ I don’t know what happened to the excitement, and I’m genuinely sad it’s gone, but at the same time – how the fuck am I supposed to get excited for Christmas when I work so goddamn much and generally don’t have time to do anything else?

But, you know, I guess that a part of growing up. And it’s not that I’m not excited about Christmas, because of course I’m looking forward to stuffing myself with lots of food and seeing my family and ohmygodpresentsyayyy but I’m more nonchalant to it, I guess. This is sounding overly pretentious, and I’m sorry about that because that’s not my intention at all, but yes. I don’t know.

BUT! (There are too many but’s in this post. But.) No matter how nonchalant I am about Christmas, I still wish every single one of you a wonderful Christmas, and in the event that I am unable (or too lazy) to write a new post before that time I will wish it to you now and hope that you have a wonderful time. I will write before New Year’s, though. Seriously. Or, if I don’t write before New Year’s Eve then I promise I’ll write on Janurary 1, no matter how hungover and gross I feel. I need to start off the year in a good fashion, right?

Now I’m almost getting sentimental. Okay, I’m saving the sentimental stuff for a pre-2012 post, which should be enough to guilt-trip me into writing one. Failproof plan!

[Song: The Last High | Artist: The Dandy Warhols]