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Is This The Blues I’m Singing

November 22, 2011

If I said I’d lost my way
Would you sympathise
Could you sympathise?
I’m jumbled up

First point: even after nearly three years of blogging on SisMid I still haven’t decided whether to use question marks in the title or not. First I decided not to use it, but then I questioned my decision, tagged it on, but questioned that decision as well. As you can see, my final decision was to drop the goddamn question mark and from now on decide to never use question marks in my title. (I should note this somewhere for future reference, since I am very likely to question myself again later some time. Oh well.) Moving on.

It seems I’m questioning myself a lot lately. This is going to sound really silly, but I usually don’t do this. For better or for worse, I usually just run with whatever I’m doing, and regret isn’t usually a part of my daily routine. If there is something I hate, it is regret. Of course, just because I try to eliminate that feeling from my life, it pops up from time to time, seeing as you’d be pretty hardcore never to regret anything. Or very pleased with yourself. Or both. Or you do absolutely nothing in your life that’s possible to regret, but that’s a decision in itself that is very regrettable.

Damn, what’s up with the cryptical talking. I’ll try and get out of sphinx mode.

So, regrets. To put it simply: I have some huge regrets in my life, most of them concerning pretty life-changing situations. But, in hindsight, I actually truly believe that I wouldn’t go back in time to change them, if I had the chance. All of those situtations have given me some incredibly valuable life lessons that I would probably have had to learn sooner or later, and I guess sooner is better than later. But the weird fact in all this is that it’s the smaller regrets I’d rather change. The regrets that, if changed, might not have made any difference at all. But I am a notorious member of the ‘what-if’-club. And to be frank, I quite dislike that club. It makes me question all my decisions, and it seems to constantly come up with tiny things – choice of words, beer to drink, dress to wear – that could have, according to this silly club, have changed the outcome of any given situation.

I constantly have to convince myself (failingly) that it wouldn’t have made a difference. Paradoxically, I’m also a member of the ‘everything-happens-for-a-reason’-club, which is really a silly club as well, but I don’t think it’s very uncommon for members of the ‘what-if’-club to join this one as well – it’s quite common, really. It’s quite logical: you question yourself half to death until you go mad with all the ‘what-if’s, but relief has to come in some form, or else we’d all be mad, right? So you skip out of ‘what-if’ and peek inside ‘everything-happens-for-a-reason’. And you can feel the relief flow over you. Doesn’t that one sentence solve everything? If everything happens for a reason, then you did exactly what you were supposed to do. That’s fairly calming, right?

But in the end, both clubs bloody suck, end of story. You drive yourself mad with all the ‘what-if’s that you can’t fucking do anything about, and you get lulled into a silly belief of ‘everything-happens-for-a-reason’, which is so completely at odds with the ‘what-if’s, and, well, my conclusion is that a person could go mad from less. And this all leads me back to my initial point, which is that I don’t like regretting all over the place, simply because I can’t get out of that stupid, evil circle once I get in it.

I am currently trying to end my membership in both clubs, but it’s proving to be very diffucult indeed. Because closely knit with the regret is the uncertainty, and uncertainty, my friends, is my best worst friend. Honestly. I don’t usually think too much about things that won’t solve themselves no matter how much I think about them, but alas, I do. And right now I seem to be in the middle of a tidalwave consisting of pure, stupefying uncertainty. However, closely knit with the uncertainty is, just as paradoxically as my two previous examples, the infallible theory that everything works out in the end. I think I spend too much time thinking, analyzing and worrying over the same matters, but the minute I manage to get my mind off it, it magically solves itself. More or less.

Seriously. As I’m writing this, I realise how true it is. It’s just that… I really want this to solve itself, or to put it another way, I want my uncertainty to go away right now, to reveal that my hopes are coming true. Or something. I have been so completely roller-coaster euphoric/shit-scared lately, the feeling that happiness if so close, but yet so fragile, thus making me doubt and regret and worry and freak out way more than can possibly be healthy. And this is both exciting and destrucitve, in a way, and I just… Regret, hope, doubt, smile and cr- well, no, I haven’t cried, but I have angsted, if I might take the liberty of making up that word.

And now I’m getting slightly into sphinx mode again, and because explaining all this sphinxing (oh look new word again) is completely out of the question, I believe it’s time for me to call this the end, and wrap it up with a hope that the next time I post here (which will not be long until, I promise), my uncertainty has disappeared. Right. Good.

(Also, capital letters on all the words in songs and artist names or not? Oh goddamnit)

[Song: Rescue | Artist: Echo And The Bunnymen]

One Comment leave one →
  1. November 22, 2011 3:56 PM

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