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Like A Room Without A Roof

February 20, 2014

It might seem crazy what I’m about to say
Sunshine she’s here you can take a break
I’m a hot air balloon that could go to space
With the air like I don’t care baby by the way

February 2009 – a whopping five years ago!!! – I wrote my very first blog post on this blog, and I have written at least one post (almost) every month since. This blog has been with me through so many vital years, and I thought I’d pick a paragraph or two from each year and post it here chronologically.  Enjoy the trip back in time!

February 9, 2009 – the very first post
Howdy folks! As some of you may have predicted, I opened a new blog (obviously). It seems like I can’t stay away from sharing my often weird and always random thoughts to the entire world. (…) So, what will I do with this blog? I still don’t know. I suppose I’ll start with the usual; what-have-I-done-today-sort of posts, and maybe, eventually (if you’re all lucky, or unlucky, depends) I’ll post some of my writings. Only time will tell. Oh, and yeah, I’m writing in English. Don’t ask me why, I just felt like it. Let’s call it practice or for recreational needs or whatever else you might want to name it.

May 9, 2010 – about Moonlight Sonata 
I know that I am by far the first person to be touched by piano music. Yet whenever I hear a beautiful piano song I simply freeze, it is as if I slide into a lake where I can swim silently, listening only to the sound of the gentle brushing of the waves I make. The water is dark, it is night – except for the full moon above me, and it shines gently upon the surroundings. I can let myself float on my back and drift – drift wherever I am taken, it is so soft, the water. As I comb my fingers through it I get a feeling of comfort. I do not shiver, the place is not eerie – I am in a moonlit world, the piano song playing in my ears yet from somewhere far away – it is powerful yet not louder than a whisper. I am moved to silent tears of an undescribable joy and I let them run from my closed eyes, down my cheeks and in the water. Into the water where they will blend, be just another drop in the ocean. This place is unfamiliar, yet safe – I am comforted by the beauty of the piano, its notes striking me deep down, running down my spine and going out to every fibre of my body. I sink in it, the water, the music.

July 10, 2011 – some depressing shit
When it all comes crashing down. It is a very definable moment, when you get that feeling. When everything you’ve built around you just topples and crashes around you – on you – inside you. When what you thought was a fortress was actually a prison, and what you thought was protecting you turned out to be your biggest threat. The exact moment you feel it all crashing down on you is a moment so powerful, you never forget it. It is the moment your heart bursts and you realize that there is no way back, no way forward either, you are just stuck there right in the middle as the weight of it all comes crashing down on you, burying you. And the worst part? You feel like being buried, too. You never want to get out of your grave, made of broken dreams and worst of all, your broken heart.

February 27, 2012 – regarding dreams
Then when I woke, it took me a few minutes of realizing that I had in fact woken, and my sleep-muddled brain tried to distinct what was dream and what was reality. Mind you, I was in complete darkness, unaware of time and barely conscious of space, and the feel of the dream was imprinted so strongly on my entire being that my heart lurched at the thought that the reality of it might also be the reality of my true reality. Yet the more I came to graps with my whereabouts, the more I felt the dream slipping, and in my realization that it was fading I tried grasping it even more, wanting to savour the memory of it, wondering what had happened in it that gave me this feeling of happiness, comfort, love, ease – but the dream ran from me, leaving me with nothing but a few highlights, frozen glimpses, which left a sort of hollow space where previously the dream had been, filling me.

May 20, 2013 – as P.S. about writing, and being essential to yourself
(And right now a stray thought popped into my head – a memory of a time when I was with my parents at our cabin (aka favourite place on earth) and I read them one of my posts from here (this one), a piece I wrote in English class back in high school that I was pretty satisfied with. (I still think it’s fairly good, especially written by a 15/16-year-old me, and it’s a shame that I feel like I haven’t written anything of quality since like 2009. Sob. (That being said I would definitely have made some alterations to that version if I were to edit it today, but I will never go back and edit my previous mistakes, they’re there to stay!) The reason why I remember this so well is because after I had finished it and asked them for their opinion, my dad (after saying it was great, of course, like he had any choice) said he thought it was such a melancholy piece, that the ending was ominous and that it was a sad tale. I was nonplussed because I hadn’t intended it to be like that, in fact I don’t think I had intended it to be anything but certainly not sad! And that’s the time when I really thouroughly understood that writing (and reading) means completely different things to different people. I really appreciate this moment because it was the first time I understood that literature is interpreted differently by different people, and that is such an important value to literature. There is no right and wrong – however I intended that story to be, it was interpreted by him in his own way, and how am I to say that it’s any better or worse than what I had intended? For all I know, maybe the story is a lot better with this deeper dimension – maybe it’s just a plain and simple piece whose worth is determined by the reader’s interpretation. And I love that.)

And here we are today in 2014. I have decided that from now on I will take the leap and post some writings again. I more or less constantly carry around a notebook for inspirational bursts, there have been very few during this winter, but as the sun comes out again and thaws my inspiration I notice a lust for writing that always sets fire to my blood. So I will post some snippets here from now on, and we’ll see how it goes. Anyways, thank you all for reading, either once by chance or more or less consistently through five years… No matter how slowly those stats have been progressing, they have actually reached over 10,000 views, and I take that as a humble victory!

[Song: Happy | Artist: Pharrell Williams]

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